It takes time but it helps to understand something of each other’s sexual fantasies, what gets them aroused and what they enjoy about sex. As with all human communication, it is worth starting off with a low ambition level before building up to major confidences. Some people are much more easily embarrassed than others by personal or erotic detail!
Once in a while, make some effort to spice up your sex life. If you are curious about sex toys, take a look at the websites: ‘Babeland’ for the US or ‘Simply Pleasure’ in the UK. Sex shops are no longer sleazy or embarrassing places. Go with your partner or a friend. The atmosphere is casual and relaxed and shop assistants are always happy to give help and advice. More women are shopping for toys and many shop assistants are female. The Sh! Store in London aims to be super-female friendly and asks men to go only with a woman friend.
Buy some sexy movies but bear in mind that women tend to need more story content than men. Consider how to combine sexual fantasy (hers as well as yours) into your sex play. Start sex sessions with a sexy book or a sex video. Make her arousal the focal point.
“But even when a man realizes that he should delay penetration, or that the woman may not want it at all, he sometimes makes straight for the erogenous zones or the clitoris, with a hand or mouth, ignoring every other part of the body…. Women need plenty of time in which to unwind and begin to feel desire and desirable.” (p138 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Rose, a woman in her late forties, recommended that men need to learn manual arousal techniques (to use on the woman) and also not to be intimidated by women using masturbation as part of the act of intercourse. Women need to learn to combine masturbation and intercourse and feel completely free to share their fantasies and use them during intercourse.
She giggled: “I wonder if the taboo about sex is not about sex as such but about the ‘naughty fantasies’ that make sex so good! I also found it difficult to share fantasies as I was unsure if speaking about them might somehow make them lose their power – like bursting a bubble – thankfully it hasn’t”.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to make a more conscious choice to become aroused. Men are easily stimulated by sexual thoughts. Women’s automatic trigger is
more easily subdued or ignored far less frequent needs other factors present to be switched on (i.e. they need to be content with other areas of their life).
Women usually need more artificial aids to trigger arousal. General touching and caressing (as opposed to specifically primary erogenous zone touching) are also important.
Jane Thomas: Author http://WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://Nosper.com
aims to inform and reassure women of all ages: both the site content and pictures are completely clean. The discussion is based on honesty not sexual ego and covers: sex drive, the role of fantasy and why orgasm from masturbation may always be different to orgasm from penetration.
